To Truly Live
by Grand Lethal
Summary: Takes place from within the lifestream. Sephiroth/Aeris/Zack implications flying every which-way. Can the bond of friendship be as strong as the bond of love? Or are they one in the same...
1. Default Chapter

**To Truly Live  
  
Prologue**  
  
  
  
---I knew Seph. Probably better than any other man alive (or dead for that matter). Yes he was cold, But I alone know that the icy persona my friend portrayed was simply a shell to hide a swirling mass of insecurities. Growing up the way he was forced to, how could one help but feel slightly less than human? Yes, but I think I could tell you exactly what was going on in that head of his. His own fears being squelched by the fears of others. Fear was who he was. It was the only way he could keep from being hurt again. He was so afraid of being looked down upon, that he made himself a miles length in the other direction. Oh, man....thinking back on what it took to get through to him..... to get under that shell.... and for what? Because I understood how he felt. I understood what it was like to be singled out as the nerd....the ugly kid...the group outcast.... and I couldn't wait to leave that decrepit little town and never look back. I couldn't wait to make a name for myself, and not let the people of my hometown in on any of the glory. The drive for that glory is clearly what caused me to shoot up the ranks so quickly...what caused me to eventually become Seph's second in command.   
  
  
Unlike the other recruits, I wasn't awed by the presence of the "Great Sephiroth". I had my own agenda, and he was simply another obstacle in my quest for ultimate glory. While most just wanted to work along side the General, I wanted to be better. I wanted to be ShinRa's new first in command. That dream was quickly disposed of, however, the first time I saw the man fight. His skill was flawless, and frankly unmatchable. I suppose I was content with my position at that point anyhow. I had my own hefty share of power, and being Sephiroth's second in command also had other...pretty...benefits. ....But I digress. yes....back to Seph. Seph was scary. The man rarely spoke, and when he did, the tone in his voice was enough to make a man piss his pants. He stayed to himself constantly.... only leaving his quarters for the occasional drill session, or those strange daily trips to headquarters. I began to map his moods in an attempt to un-code my superior. If insecurity drove perfection for him, as it did me, then this guy was one walking mass of insecurity. Never one to pass up the chance at a new friendship, I wanted to get to the bottom of it.  
  
  
In the morning, before his appointments at the HQ, he seemed pensive and on edge. Upon his return he was downright grouchy..... although I'm sure I'm the only person who noticed the change. The others didn't pay that kind of attention; 'The General's just being a bastard again'.  
  
  
I watched him a lot when he didn't think anyone was around, and to my strong amusement, he regularly talked to himself. ...Though he was no friendlier to himself than anyone else..... It was usually done in self conscious whispers, glancing around fervently, making sure no one was around to hear. I remember one particular occasion passing by his office, hearing the word "shut up" whispered furiously over and over. That was the day it hit me just how messed up my superior was. Whatever caused his current mental state, I knew made my own problems seem petty. I was determined to break through and help this....person. Little did I know that the fight for his trust would be this SOLDIER's hardest battle.   
  
  
.....But when the battle was finally won, the prize was mine and mine alone. Seph clung too me like a child to a parent, which I didn't mind, because he was clearly broken over the fact that he had none. Behind that rocky exterior was a maelstrom of emotion that was strangling the man, but for the longest time, he still refused to speak. In the beginning, our relationship involved myself doing all the talking and Seph excelling at the job of world's-best-listener. I, of course, was overjoyed when those roles switched. I remember that day as though it were yesterday. Once again I was bugging him to talk to me... 'c'mon Seph, It'll make you feel better'..... the usual prodding.... And suddenly he slammed his arm down upon my desk, directly in front of my, and tore through his wrist frantically with his own nails... His eyes finally loosing that neutral state. I remember watching horrified as blood ran onto the surface below, and frantically reached to apply pressure against the wound, to prevent my friend's frenzied suicide. I was even more awestruck as the wound began to mend itself right before my eyes, leaving not even so much as a scar. I looked up clearly questioningly at Seph. "This is my problem.... well the root of it anyway." he said. I glanced once again toward his arm, then back at Seph. He was smiling.  
  
  
Soon after, I found out all about his past. Growing up as an experiment, being kept in a lab just waiting for the next group of tests to be performed. No mother or father, no other children his age..... well at least none that didn't treat him like a freak. I also found out what those daily trips to headquarters involved. More tests.... they were required of him if he wished to hold his position in SOLDIER.... I suppose even a man as powerful as Sephiroth was simply another commodity at ShinRa's disposal. .... And so he would submit willingly to the poking and prodding on a daily basis. All I could do was be there. The things that were done to him made me sick.   
  
  
Over the next few years we were inseparable. We were a team; Zack and Sephiroth. I of course, gained respect as the only person to ever be in Sephiroth's good graces. That's not why I was there though. The respect was nice, but not as nice as the feeling of having somebody that I was truly close too. Seph never doubted my intentions for a moment. His trust may have been hard won, but it was also steadfast and unbreakable. He had finally found someone who truly cared about him.... not about his strength, or his image, or his reaction to some injection, ...but him. I couldn't help but feel the same way.  
  
  
...Seph told me once that he was afraid of loosing his mind. It was the most anyone ever confided in me, and I couldn't help but think of those many times I had heard him talking to himself. Yes, I knew Seph.... I knew how much he treasured his precious brain as though it were his only possession. Sephiroth was a man who was a genius at holding himself together. The loss of his mental faculties would be worse than death, so Seph made me promise him one day..... he made me promise that I would kill him should his mind ever be lost.  
  
  
...........I miss my friend.---  
  
******************************  
Author's notes: I've had this fic in my head for a long while now, so I figured I'd go ahead and post the prologue just to get it started. The other chapters with probably be quite long. This story with take place within the lifestream (for the first part). I don't know if I should give away the couplings....but that's probably pretty important to know, so I'll go ahead and say; look for Seph/Aeris/Zack implications going every wich way. I don't want to say any more than that though. Please R/R chapter 1 coming soon :-) 


	2. Within the Seas of Green

**To Truly Live**

Chapter 1: Within the Seas of Green.

Amidst the swirling green pool of the lifestream, two souls stood apart from the rest. One denied entrance to the promised land, the other turned down the privilege of his own free will. And so they stayed; frozen in time and space with an eternity to exist solely for each other. 

It was not rare that a soul was barred from the promised land. The outer reaches of the lifestream were practically crawling with the souls of various dead Shinra officials. The ostracision of this particular soul, however, caused a great debate within the Promised Land. It was argued that he was not in control of his actions; couldn't possibly fight against the alien voice that had invaded his mind. It was said that he was a heroic General who deserved peace in the afterlife. But in the end, the fact that he had given his body over to Jenova had sealed his damnation. His punishment was to watch as she used his soulless consciousness to perform heinous acts, and feel the shame as said acts were done in his name. The decision was unanimous.

One voice, however, defied the others, and upon this soul's arrival in the lifestream, forfeited it's chance for supreme happiness in the Promised Land, and stood proud next to the Great General Sephiroth.

***************

The General was always a quiet man, but the word quiet took on a whole new meaning within the bounds of the lifestream. He had destroyed the small town of Nibleheim, killed many innocents, but Zack knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was not his friend who had commited such an act. 

...And now all they could do was wait. Wait and watch as a Sephiroth who's soul had already long since returned to the planet, destroyed the lives of countless more. 

Through all of the lives that he knew would be lost, Zack could only think of one. Her.

He knew she was coming already. Her fate was sealed, and he couldn't bare to think about it. That beautiful flower girl...._his_ beautiful flower girl would loose her life just as he had. Sephiroth knew it too, but refused to vocally acknowledge the fact due to the effect it had on his friend.

Zack rubbed the bridge of his nose in an attempt to alleviate the stress headache that he felt coming on full throttle.

//And how the hell does a dead guys head hurt anyway? Death is stupid.//

The dark haired man had to smirk at the irony. He let out a sigh, and went to stand next to the other.

*****************

Sephiroth was standing rigidly as usual. It had started. All the pain, all the suffering in his name had begun. He was a cold man, but he knew right from wrong, and while compassion was not something he was really blessed with, that rule seemed to bend when applied to Zack. His only friend. The only person on the entire planet who had _ever_ cared for him. And the silver haired General knew that one upcoming casualty in particular would be exceptionally painful for his friend to witness. He did not want to be the cause of Zack's pain. To hell with the rest of the world, if he could only spare his friend this one more biting loss. 

He was the cause of all of Zack's pain. Every last shred of it. ..And yet the man still gave up his chance at supreme happiness to keep him from being lonely. Sephiroth didn't understand Zack's loyalty... he could only accept it.

He suddenly rolled his shoulders back as he felt two strong hands grab hold of them and start working out the rigid kinks in his muscles. He leaned into the touch... the only human touch he would allow. 

Zack's.

Always gentle. Never painful, the way he had grown to believe human touch simply was.

"Your doing it again", the dark haired SOLDIER commented.

"Doing what?"

"Letting that stick work it's way up your ass. Chill out."

Sephiroth snorted. "I have my reasons." he stated coldly.

//Why bother try and act like nothing is happening Zack? I just can't do that. I just can't be like you.//

Zack sighed. "I know." He let his hands drop back down to his sides, before sitting down in the grass. Green green grass. Everything here was just so damn ...green. So damn monochromatic, vomit inducing _green._

He patted the ground next to him. "Sit!" He commanded.

The other looked, sighed, and complied, sitting indian style, and more straight-backed than deemed humanly possible.

Quiet ensued for long minutes before the dark haired fighter finally broke the silence.

"I can't believe....I can't believe she's coming here."

Sephiroth was quiet for a minute before responding rather awkwardly; "Do you love her?"

Zack was momentarily thrown off by the question. "I don't know Seph. ....yeah..yeah I guess I do." 

The other nodded, and it was quiet for a moment before Zack continued. "I'm a babe magnet ya know..." he giggled and nudged his friend suggestively, "And she's like....queen babe!"

"Yes.." snorted the other. "and I'm sure she'll be thrilled with my presence."

"Naw.." Zack protested. "I think you two'll get along great." He was silent for a moment. "Unless she...ya know....goes on...." His eyes became momentarily downcast.

The unvoiced question resounded through Sephiroth's head.

//And if she went on to the Promised Land, would you go too? And if you stayed....with me... you would resent me for all time. ...And rightfully so.//

He wanted to tell his friend to go. To be happy forever with his love in the Promised Land. Zack deserved it...and to make him stay was so....so selfish.

//I'm sorry, but I can't help it Zack//

//_I Love You_//

*************

It was good to be loved. As a little boy, she was the only one who really loved him. After every test, every experiment, every time anybody ever put him down in any way, she was there. She was always there whispering into his mind; telling him that she loved him, and that he was such a good boy. She talked to him constantly, and sometimes sang him too sleep. Every time he was hurt, she was there to remind him how evil people were, and how good he was. How humans equal torment. 

She was his mommy. 

His mother. Jenova.

As he grew older, she grew more demanding, and he stopped blindly agreeing with everything she said. Then he met Zack... and perhaps realized that humans were not as retched as his mother had claimed. Of course this angered her, she could not allow her precious "son" to rebel; to believe anything other than the truths she had taught him. 

She told him to do things sometimes. Sometimes he complied, other times he adamantly refused. They began to argue more and more, and Sephiroth became paranoid of the world around him; feared others were watching his frenzied arguments with himself. He couldn't let them see. They _couldn't_ know. Especially not _him._ If Hojo ever found out he was hearing voices, it would be back to the lab for good. Goodbye SOLDIER, goodbye Zack.....goodbye life.

He was weary of the new doctor at first.. a previous co-worker of Hojo's, gone AWOL. A man now illegally practicing psychiatry in the sector eight slums. Blackmailed by Zack, the man had agreed to 'talk' with Sephiroth out of fear for his life. The Shinra were not known to take kindly to disenfranchised employees.... especially those who knew many of the companies dirty little secrets. So visits to this doctor became regular occurrences for both Sephiroth and Zack. 

The man diagnosed the General with acute Schizophrenia, put him on a high dose medication, and yet failed to see results. ...And yet, somehow, thinking that he was indeed crazy was the very thing that kept Sephiroth sane. It wasn't until he was convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that the voice of his dead mother was real, and not some twisted figment of his imagination, that he began to listen to and believe her words, and ultimately follow her orders.

*************

Sephiroth gripped the edge of the wooden desk tightly as he watched the latest book fall to the floor with a clatter, to join the countless others. It was all here....everything was here. 

/How could I have been so blind?/

"My poor boy. You never deserved any of this." The voice rang more loudly than ever in his head, and for the first time, he knew he wasn't crazy. She was really Jenova; really his mother...and she loved him.

The phantom hand stroked his long hair. "Sephiroth. My beautiful Sephiroth."

The silver haired man leaned into the touch; his only comfort. He grit his teeth against the emotional agony that was surging through his head. 

/So ...this is it? This is all I am? An experiment?!/

"No, my son. You are so much more than that. You alone are the heir to the planet."

Sephiroth stayed lost in his thoughts as though he did not hear her. How could they do this to him? How could Hojo _keep_ doing this to him? 

/It's always going to be this way isn't it? Always the lab rat. Always the freak. Even now, as General of the entire Shinra army, there's nothing I can do about it./

His knuckles were whitening as his fists clenched against the edge of the table; splinters of wood jabbing through his gloves and into his skin. He squeezed harder, enjoying the pain. Needing it. The veins in his eyes were bulging with a mixture of internal pain and blind rage.

"I can make it better my sweet boy. You don't have to suffer."

Sephiroth was growing quietly annoyed with the voice, but was still strangely comforted by it's presence.

/I can't.. there's nothing I can do. If I stop seeing Hojo....I'll loose everything. He'll take it all away, and force me to be his specimen for good./

"Kill him." was the quick response.

Kill Hojo. The idea was the most beautifully perfect plan ever conceived, even if it was not so new to his mind. He had dreamed day and night of what life might be like if he could just destroy the man for good. But then, what of the other higher ranking individuals? The President for one; the man completely and unquestioningly supported Hojo.

..No, he couldn't touch the lunatic scientist. Couldn't lay a finger on him. He would be banished from Shinra for good.

"I don't see the problem here." she broke his thoughts once again with an almose sing-song voice. "Your much more powerful than all of them. There's not an army in the world who could oppose you!"

Sephiroth remained quiet. His mind suddenly blank.

"They all did this too you. I know how it feels my son. It was done to me as well."

/I know mother. I'm sorry...If there was something I could do...../

"It's time they were punished. Have they not put you through enough? When you have the power, they cannot make you suffer anymore, Love."

/I don't want to suffer anymore/ 

He found himself echoing her sentiments.

"Then make them stop! Make them stop hurting you. My heart is breaking, my baby. I can't bear to see you in pain anymore."

By now, Sephiroth was pacing frantically back and forth inside of the library hallway. It was wrong! It had to be wrong! Incredibly justified, yet still .....wrong.

/Why Love? What makes this simple form of self-preservation so wrong?/

The General tried to think of an answer, but found the act frustratingly difficult. Reason, morals, every memory he held close felt as though they were being clouded out. ...Until suddenly there was just his mother, and his rage.

***********

Those words. ...How he ever managed to utter those words.....

/Cloud....kill Sephiroth./

How those two pieces of vocabulary ever found their way next to one another upon his lips.... //Kill Sephiroth// ......he would never know.

/Kill...._Sephiroth_.../

//Cloud.//

Thinking back upon it, the dark haired fighter realized what an unfair request it was to make. Giving such an order, he had practically signed the young trooper's death order.

/But I couldn't do it....I _couldn't_. I couldn't keep my promise. I couldn't even do that for him...so I just laid there and sent little Cloud in to die.../

The SOLDIER had spent quite a long while after the tragedy wondering why, _how_, Cloud was in fact still alive, but nevertheless, thanking the heavens for such a miracle.

/ "Zack?"/

// "Yeah Spike?"//

/ "Are we ever gonna get outta here?...I don't think...I don't think I can take any more tests..."/ 

// "Yeah, Spike. We'll be goin' home soon. Just leave everything to me."//

/ "Promise?"/

// "I promise..."//

He couldn't keep his promise to Sephiroth, but he made a vow that he was sure as _hell_ going to keep his promise to Cloud. 

He had lived just long enough to carry out his vow, and then his questions had been answered.

Why _had_ his friend been so easily defeated by a mere trooper that day?

/ She wanted him dead. That bitch wanted him dead. Jenova wanted an empty, soulless puppet. Bitch told him she loved him, then let him die..../

..And The Great General Sephiroth was abandoned again. 

Zack knew exactly what his friend was thinking; That he would be abandoned once again by his only friend as soon as Aeris arrived in the lifestream.

/I won't do it Seph. I won't let that happen to you again./

The dark haired SOLDIER could not bring himself to say the words aloud; to do so would be to accuse Sephiroth of being weak, and that was simply not done. He instead settled for a simple psysical reassurance. A quick pat on the back, and a warm hand on the shoulder conveyed the message just fine. 

/I'm here Seph. I'm not goin' anywhere./

**********

If we could see tomorrow

What of your plans?

No one can live in sorrow, 

ask all your friends.

Times that you took in stride 

They're back in demand.

I was the one who's washing

blood off your hands.

-Don't Cry (Alt. lyrics) Guns N' Roses

A/N: Whew! Finally got that up! That probably got confusing at parts, but it will all be better explained and woven together later. I know the flashbacks were kinda short and skimmed over, but that has a purpose too. All will be fully revealed later. And Seph's blackmailed psychiatrist will end up playing a pretty important role in the future. Next chapter Aeris comes along and things start gettin' kinda crazy. Reviews!! Please!!! I'm begging!!!

****

PS: This story will change it's title to "All That You Can't Leave Behind" starting next chapter. I just don't really care for "To Truly Live". It just doesn't make a very good title...ah well.


End file.
